Sunday, March 28, 2010

Today I am counting my BLESSINGS

I am not sure why at times it is hard to see all of the good around me. I think that when I am going through trials or tough times I lose focus on what is really important.

I tend to wallow and feel sorry for myself; think that everyone else has things easier than I do.

I think if I was to take a moment and look outside of my little bubble, and see what others are facing, I would realize how blessed I am. This weekend, I found out that a couple of people that I care about are dealing with their health. One of them is a long time friend that was told she most likely only has a year left to live. She was asking for help and support so she could go and be with her children and grandchildren one last time. One last time. What would that be like? How would that feel? It is beyond my comprehension.

I am blessed with good health. My family is too. This week I had the privilege opportunity of having a couple of procedures; they scoped my stomach and checked out my colon. As I was waiting for Jim to join me in the waiting area before they took me back to the OR I thought for a brief moment what if this was goodbye. I know all of the nurses and staff thought I was nuts as tears were rolling down my face. They asked me if I was nervous, I just said that I was. It was easier than explaining the sudden fear of "what if this was goodbye". Of course I lived through my procedures, and during the process had an overwhelming love for my husband and family.

I have a husband that loves me more than I really deserve. I am not an easy person to live with. I get hormonal, and wishy washy, and stressed, and freak out every now and again. Do you know what he does? He just lets me be me, lets me get it out of my system, and he loves me all the same. He doesn't judge, or condemn. No eye rolling, or telling me that I am being stupid.

 He just lets me do my thing and then he gives good advice and wise counsel when I need it most. Somehow he seems to know when I need it too, because sometimes I just need to get things out, and I need him to listen and not comment. After 26 years of being married, he knows just what to say and do. I probably don't tell him enough that I appreciate him. I really am blessed that we were brought together. He is my greatest blessing.

Twenty four years ago I was pregnant with my first son Tyler. The anticipation of adding to our family was very exciting. When we got married I told Jim that I wanted 12 kids just like my mother. We didn't really try to prevent pregnancy much after Tyler was born. It took awhile to get pregnant with him and so we weren't always careful. After a few years of this we became concerned. We started fertility workups and went from just not being careful, to actively trying to conceive a second child. Five years went by and Dallas joined our family. I don't know if it was because it took so long to get him here, or if I would have felt the same if he would of came 9 months after Tyler but I was just over the top in love with this little baby. He and Tyler were my world and my greatest JOY!

After many more years of trying to add to our family, and many heartbreaks and disappointments that followed multiple miscarriages. God led us down a path that I hadn't really thought I would take. That being the path of adoption. When Tori joined our family, she came and healed a broken heart. Mine.

Shortly after Coleman came and turned our whole world upside down. I mean this in the very best way possible of course. He is a great blessing to all that meet him. That smile, and that laugh he is so contagious. What a blessing, to be his mother.

After a couple more devastating miscarriages, I was done. We would be content with the 4 wonderful children that we had been blessed with. I would not be able to handle another loss. My spirit was not strong enough to go through that heartache again. I stopped praying to feel that life of a baby inside of me, I stopped praying to be pregnant just one more time. I stopped wishing and dreaming of having that experience.

Five months after my last miscarriage I found myself pregnant again. I had never gotten pregnant in such a short amount of time. I didn't allow myself to hope, dream, or pray that this would be the one that would stick. I convinced myself that it would end like the 6 others. A painful loss and broken heart.

I reached the 14 week mark, the point where my last pregnancy had ended. My doctor kept telling me he thought this one was going to stick. I didn't allow myself to go there. I thought that not caring, wishing, hoping, would make it less painful when it all came crashing down.

Weeks turned into months. Nine months. My prayers were heard, not on my time table, but on Gods. Alyson completed our family. I was for the first time content that my family was all here. I knew that God's plan for me had been completed. Being the mother of five children was exactly the way it was suppose to be.
Today I am counting my blessings.

The blessing of having a devoted, faithful, committed husband who loves me and supports me.

The blessing of being a mother to five beautiful children.


Jenny said...

Beautiful, my friend!
You ARE blessed.
As are your husband and children, for having YOU.

Becky said...

Sometimes it helps to stop and think about how blessed we really are. I'm glad you are able to do that. :)

Sabra said...

tears are rolling for me now, Jane. Thank you.